


Old Wounds

by Annastesia_LaFayette



Series: Old Wounds [1]
Category: Star Trek: Enterprise
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe, Arguing, Cussing, M/M, Past Relationship(s), Surgery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-16
Updated: 2021-01-16
Packaged: 2021-03-14 10:22:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 14,706
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28793859
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Annastesia_LaFayette/pseuds/Annastesia_LaFayette
Summary: (AU) The relationship between Jon and Trip ended a long time ago, but an innocent comment opened those old wounds and hidden secrets are brought to light.
Relationships: Jonathan Archer/Charles "Trip" Tucker III
Series: Old Wounds [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2122317
Comments: 2
Kudos: 8





	1. Old Wounds

**_Old Wounds_ **

**Chapter 1**

_Enterprise_ had entered a system that hadn't been explored by the Vulcans, as the High Command deemed it too far from Vulcan space, showed no signs of an advanced culture, and therefore saw no logical reason to waste time or resources to explore. Luckily for Captain Archer, Starfleet Command did not share in that thought.

According to long-range scans, the system held 2 planets capable of sustaining life, which was very interesting to Jon. As Jon stood with T'Pol at her station, looking over the data collected so far, he questioned. "T'Pol? Have the Vulcans ever come across a solar system with two M-Class planets in it?"

T'Pol's brow gave a slight twitch at the term _M-Class._ "The Vulcan term is, _Minshara Class,_ you are aware of this."

Jon chuckled as he nodded. "Yes, I know the Vulcan term for it, but it is a bit of a mouthful for humans. I like _M-Class_ better, it has a nice ring to it, don't you think?"

T'Pol gave him a _'whatever you say, Captain'_ look as she proceeded to answer his original question. "While we have discovered several systems with more than one planet capable of sustaining life, they are not usually _Minshara_ class. While one may be Minshara, the other is usually of a different class, such as _T'Kashi Class,_ which can sustain life, only if structures are put in place and artificial atmosphere is introduced. It is rare to have two naturally occurring Minshara planets, but not unheard of."

Jon looked thoughtful for a moment. "Surprised that the High Command didn't find it at least fascinating enough to check it out. What was that other planet type you mentioned? _T-cash-ai?"_

"T'Kashi" T'Pol repeated, a little slower so that the Captain could hear the proper pronunciation.

Jon tried a couple times, but could tell by the look on T'Pol's face, he wasn't doing a very good job. "Spell it in terran?" He asked, in hopes it might help.

T'Pol obliged as Jon nodded. He had learned that in Vulcan, the 'T apostrophe' had many different meanings, not always pertaining to a name nor other noun. T'Pol was a good example of this, as Jon had once discovered, T'Pol...or Pol actually, had the 'T apostrophe' included in her name, as she may someday be elected as matriarch of her family clan. A very high honor, if Jon understood correctly.

He smirked. "Ok... _K-Class_ it is." He called out as he turned and sauntered away, while T'Pol glared daggers at his back.

Jon had decided to split the resources, stopping long enough to send small research teams by shuttles to the various continents on one world, dubbed as Alpha, while _Enterprise_ would proceed to the second world, Beta, and use her transporters to ferry the teams to and from the ship.

Jon decided that he would go down to the first planet, Captain's prerogative of course. Once Lieutenant Reed had been informed of this, there was no way in hell would he allow his Captain off of the ship without security. And who better to protect the Captain than himself?

Of course, once Trip found out about an away mission, he practically got down on his knees begging to go. There really wasn't a reason to have an engineer along for the ride, but Jon could tell that the adventuresome young man was going stir crazy on the ship, so, he reluctantly agreed to allow Trip to tag along. Trip could at least handle collecting samples and putting them in a jar...right?


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

Trip was amazed by the planet. If he didn't know better, he could swear that he was taking a hike along part of the Appalachian trail. The green grass beneath his boots smelled the same as it did back home, and the tall trees looked just like the pine, maple and oak he and his older brother had climbed many times as boys while on family camping trips. It was only the strange looking small woodland creatures that they had spotted on their hike, that reminded him they were indeed on an alien world.

As he collected a sample of soil, he looked up and noticed Jon precariously balancing on a fallen log, while reaching up towards the leaves of a tree. Trip had just begun to wonder what Jon was after, as there were other leaves that hung lower and easier to reach. He sat silently with a smirk, sure of what was about to happen, as he watched Jon slowly lift himself to his tip-toes, still reaching for something.

Sure enough, just as Jon reached his goal, using the small tool to scrape something from the leaf into the collection dish, he lost his balance, slipped from the log and came down with a hard thud, followed by a loud groan.

"Captain! Are you alright?" Reed exclaimed in alarm. Internally, he was chastising himself that he was busy collecting his own samples and not at the ready to catch his Captain from a fall.

Trip chuckled as he stood, going over towards the two men. "Yeah, he's fine. He has a thick head, too hard to really get hurt, y'know."

Jon shot Trip a look. "I landed on my ass, I didn't hit my head, thank you very much. And yes, I'm fine."

Trip laughed again as he reached down, offering a hand to help Jon up. "Ass? Head? With you, what's the difference?"

After getting to his feet, Jon gave Trip a quick punch to his upper arm. "You're a riot, Trip. A real riot. You want to spend the rest of this outing back at the shuttle?" He mockingly scolded as he started to wipe the dirt from the seat of his pants.

Trip chuckled as he took the sample container from Jon, looking to see what was in it. He saw some sort of… slug? Worm? Caterpillar? Whatever it was, it was primarily white in color, 3 to 4 inches long, multiple small legs along the length of its plump body, much like a centipede, and bright multicolored stripes along the back. Trip watched it run around the container trying to find an escape before looking down towards the base of the tree. "Uh." He pointed towards the roots.

Jon and Malcolm both looked down to see a number of the same, whatevers, wiggling around, grouped together in a nesting fashion. Jon huffed. "Well hell. Guess I could have just gotten one of those, if I saw them first."

Trip barked out another laugh as he handed the container to Malcolm so he could put it in the pack with the rest of the samples they had collected before the trio continued their hike.

_**§§§** _

They had reached the other side to a clearing that they spotted during the fly-by of the area. They had agreed to set down in one clearing, hike through the wooded terrain to this clearing and camp out here for the night before going back to the shuttle in the morning.

Jon had decided to collect more samples of this area before setting up the campsite, and to scan the surrounding foliage to ensure they didn't set up their site in the middle of plant irritants. No since in having to pay a visit to Phlox with an itchy rash covering their bodies. As the three spread out, keeping in sight of one another, they proceeded to collect the samples.

Trip had noticed what looked like algae growing along the edge of the cliff. He was curious about this, as there didn't appear to be any standing water, stream, or other source he would expect algae to grow.

Jon had spotted Trip walking towards the area, curious of what Trip had found, he began walking towards him to get a look as well. He was horrified when he saw Trip slip and slide over the edge of the cliff.

"Trip! Trip!" Jon yelled as he went into a full run. "Malcolm! Hurry, Trip went over the edge!"

Just as Jon reached the edge, he fell to his knees, scrambling to look over. He spotted Trip holding on to a thick vine root for dear life. On his stomach now, Jon inched himself further over the edge, stretching his arms to try and reach for Trip, he felt Malcolm grabbing at his legs to keep him from falling over as well. "I can't reach you. Can you pull yourself up?" 

Trip nodded as he started to use the root to climb back up. The algae covered the rocks, making them slippery, and the task of climbing that much more difficult. He grabbed at Jon's hands, locking the two men together, he continued his attempt to climb.

Part way up, Trip's footing slipped as he started descending again. Jon grasping tighter, the only thing saving him from his demise. Trip let out a howl of pain as a jagged rock cut into his knee.

Jon quickly scanned the area. "There! A toehold to your left. Can you reach it?"

Trip saw the hold that Jon spotted and tried a few times to get his foot secure enough to hoist himself up, but the plant matter made it too slippery to get a firm hold. "I can't, it's too slippery. You're gonna have to pull me up."

Jon started to pull with every ounce of strength he had, but he could feel Trip's hands begin to slip from his grasp and suddenly felt the younger man relax his grip. He looked down at Trip, into his eyes and instantly knew the resolved look etched in his face. "No Trip! Don't you dare!"

Trip looked back at Jon. "It's ok, Cap'n. Just let me go. It's ok."

"I said no, dammit!" Jon yelled as he tightened his grip even more.

Trip shook his head. "Cap'n, if you don't let me go, we'll both fall. It's ok. Save yourself. Just let go, Jon."

Jon gave him an angry glare. "Then we'll both fall, together! I'm not letting go! Get your fucking ass in gear and pull yourself up, Commander! That's an order!"

Adrenaline fueled by the anger swelling within Trip, surged him forward. How dare the Captain give such an order? How foolish can Jon be to sacrifice himself like that? Before Trip knew it, he was grasping at Jon's shoulders, clawing at the fabric of Jon's uniform, then sliding himself to safety.

Once back on solid ground, the three of them got to their feet. Jon quickly grabbed Trip into a tight embrace, hanging on as if his life depended on it. Jon's voice was shaky as he whispered in Trip's ear. "Don't you ever scare me like that again, Trip." 

They parted slightly, still holding on to the embrace as a shared looked passed between them. Trip swallowed hard. "Do my best, Cap'n."

As Trip took a step back, he instantly made an awkward movement as soon as he put weight on his right leg. Jon noticed the move. "Sit back down, let me take a look."

Through the torn fabric, Jon could see how deep the cut was. "Looks like you're going to need to get that closed up. We'll have to cancel our camping trip and head back to the ship. Malcolm, take the samples and gear, double time it back to the shuttle. We'll wait here for you to pick us up. Contact T'Pol and let her know what's going on, maybe she can meet us halfway."

Malcolm nodded. "Yes sir."

"It's alright, Cap'n, I can make it back to the shuttle." Trip protested.

Jon shook his head. "I saw the way you shifted your weight, you might have a more severe injury than just a cut. I don't want to risk you walking on it if something's broken. Once we're on the shuttle, I can hook up my scanner to the medical database and check for broken bones, but until then, stay off of it."

"Fine." Trip huffed.

Jon smiled at Trip. "Good. Malcolm, go."

As they waited for Malcolm to return, Trip questioned Jon. "Why did you do it? Why did you risk your life saving me? Why didn't you just let go?"

Jon looked somber for a moment, quietly speaking. "With all we've been through over the years, I couldn't let you go. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I had. You were depending on me, and I couldn't let you down… again."


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

The shuttle arrived, Jon and Malcolm helping Trip in, settling him onto the bench seat and propping his leg up as Jon adjusted his scanner to the medical database. After taking a scan, he smiled. "No broken bones, but you might have done some damage to the tendons or ligaments, so I still want you to stay off of it. Malcolm, did you get in touch with T'Pol?"

Malcolm was in the process of lift-off as he nodded. "Yes sir. She said that  _ Enterprise's _ current position is on the far side of Beta planet. One of the teams ran into unexpected ice conditions and she's currently working on getting them back onboard. She estimates it will take an hour and a half for us to rendezvous."

Jon nodded as he reached for the medical kit. "Well, better than 4 hours to reach  _ Enterprise, _ if she stays in orbit."

Jon cut Trip's pants leg then cleaned the wound with saline solution. He scowled at the cut. "That's really deep. Can't believe one little rock did that."

"I can. Hurt like hell when I cut it. Felt like a knife slicing me as if I were a hunk of ham." Trip winced as Jon sprayed some antibiotic on the area before wrapping a bandage around the knee.

Once he was bandaged up, he swung himself into a sitting position, facing Jon. "Thanks."

Jon took a seat opposite of Trip. "Anytime."

They both looked towards Malcolm when they heard him chuckling to himself. "Something funny, Lieutenant?" Jon questioned.

Malcolm tried to stifle his amusement as he spoke. "No sir. Well, actually, yes sir."

"Care to let us in on the joke?" Trip asked as he shot a confused look towards Jon, who simply shrugged.

Once again, Malcolm tried to keep his laughter at bay. "Well, I know it's silly, but back there on the cliff, if I didn't know better, for a moment it looked like you were going to kiss him, Captain." Malcolm couldn't hold back any longer as the laughter broke through.

Jon and Trip gave each other a look and shifted uncomfortably. Malcolm realized how quiet the pair had gotten as he suddenly stopped laughing, spun his chair around to look at them and his jaw dropped. "Oh my god. Are you two… ?"

Jon shook his head. "Don't go there, Malcolm."

"You mean… you  _ are?" _

"I said don't go there, Lieutenant. Just drop it." Jon growled out.

"What? I mean, if the two of you are involved, the crew wouldn't have a problem with it." Malcolm shrugged.

"We're not involved! Just drop it!" Jon bellowed.

Trip scoffed. "Yeah, we're not involved… anymore."

Jon rolled his eyes. "Oh christ! This again? Didn't we get over this years ago?"

"Maybe it was easy for you to get over." Trip muttered.

Jon huffed as he got to his feet, the anger swelling inside him. "You think it's been easy on me? You think I don't think about what could have been? Dammit Trip, you don't know how much these years between us has slowly killed me, gnawed away at my heart, at my  _ soul!" _

Trip got to his feet, facing Jon squarely. "Then why did you leave? Why did you stay away for so long? I waited! I waited until I couldn't take the waiting any more!"

Jon shoved a hand through his hair. "How many times do we need to go through this, huh? I didn't have a  _ choice! _ I hated it as much as you did."

Trip waved his hands in the air. "Oh, you had a choice! You didn't have to take that assignment, you could have stayed at the complex, but no, you just  _ had _ to get out there in space."

"I did it for us, Trip! How many times do I have to tell you that? I was doing it for  _ us!" _

"Three months! You were only supposed to be gone three months, not three years! You didn't have to stay out there that long! You could have put in for a transfer back to Earth!"

Jon's jaw clenched as his voice became low and full of pure anger. "You have no idea what I went through out there."

Trip took a step forward. "Well enlighten me,  _ Cap'n." _

"I did request a transfer, several times, but the requests were denied. We all put in for transfers.  _ All _ of us were denied. Starfleet kept pushing us! The more we did, the more they wanted! I was doing it to get my time in, to get my promotion so that I could have  _ something _ to use to ensure that no matter what posting I'd get, I could bring you with me. I was doing it for our future."

"Our future? You have no idea how badly you fucked up that future!" Trip yelled.

Jon huffed, throwing Trip's words back at him. "Well then enlighten me,  _ Commander!" _

Trip reached into his chest pocket, throwing a small object towards Jon. "There's our future! Happy?"

Jon watched as the object bounced off his chest and landed on the floor. He bent down to pick it up. His eyes grew wide in disbelief as he held the ring in front of him. "Trip? Is-is this what I think it is?"

Trip huffed. "Yeah. I was going to ask you when you got back, but you weren't too interested in coming back, were you."

"That's not true, Trip. I've told you many times how much it hurt me to be away that long. When you sent me that recording… it destroyed me. You just don't know how bad it got for me."

"Yeah, well, it got bad for me too. Do you know what it's like to wait months for a message, hoping that you were going to say you were coming home only to hear it's going to be another month, 3 months, 6 months? I couldn't take getting those messages over and over. So, sorry if my message ending things made you cry a little, but I was the one sitting at home having my heart broken."

Jon squeezed his eyes shut, before blurting out the raw truth he held back for years. "I didn't cry a little! My fucking heart shattered! When I got that message from you, I crawled into a bottle and stayed there for 4 months until… until… it was my fault. I did it. I hurt everyone around me, including you."

Trip stood shocked for a moment. "You what? You… Jon, all the years I've known you, you never drank your troubles away."

Jon snorted. "Yes I have, more than once. I'm just really good at hiding it." He looked down for a moment. "Trip, sit down."

Trip folded his arms over his chest. "Oh no you don't. We're not done with this."

Jon nodded. "Obviously, but right now you need to sit. You're bleeding all over my deck."

Trip looked down to see the bandage soaked through. He didn't feel the blood trickling down his leg, pooling at his foot. He quickly sat as Jon moved to clean and rewrap the wound, spraying more antibiotics to the area.

When he was finished, he handed the ring back to Trip. "I'm sorry I screwed up. I'm sorry I hurt you so much. I really did think at the time that I was doing what was best for both of us, but I guess it wasn't."

Trip held back the stinging in his eyes. "Yeah, well, old wounds and all."

"Yeah." Jon softly replied before turning his glare to Malcolm. "And you, Lieutenant, next time someone tells you to drop something… just drop it."

Malcolm had the decency to look embarrassed. "I'm sorry, Captain, I didn't know. I just thought… my apologies, Captain."

**_§§§_ **

About 45 minutes into their flight, and the uncomfortable silence still hung heavy in the air. Trip had fallen asleep some time ago and Jon had moved to the co-pilot seat, watching out the window as the shuttle glided its way through space.

Jon let out a slow breath. "I know you didn't know. It happened years before  _ Enterprise _ launched. Trip was so young then, I think it was the first time he had ever been truly in love, and I shattered him. I know he's dated others since then, but I don't think he's able to let himself get that close again… and it's my fault for hurting him so deeply."

Malcolm gave an uncertain look. "Um… is it ok to ask?"

Jon's lips thinned into a small smile. "Sorry I yelled at you like that, but yeah. Me and Trip met at the complex and hit it off right away. We became good friends, worked closely together-" 

Jon paused a moment as he reflected on those early years. A sparkle came to his eyes as he continued. "We were in sync when it came to the engine, it was like we could read the other's mind. Before one of us could start a sentence about an idea, the other was already working to implement that idea. Peas in a pod as the old saying goes.

"Well, the more time we spent with each other, the more our friendship, and attraction grew. We started dating… I took him to Fisherman's Wharf for our first date to see the sights. We went on a tour of Alcatraz, Pier 39 to see the sea lions, the aquarium and finished at Alioto's for dinner. I guess it was the perfect start to something that would end in disaster.

"We were still more than 5 years from completing the warp trials before we could make the first flight. I was approached with an offer to serve on a cargo ship to set up the long-range communication systems, it would lead to a promotion, full Commander. While the Vulcans didn't mind us piggybacking on their systems, Starfleet felt we needed our own system in place before we went out into deep space.

"We were only supposed to be out for 3 months, setting up beacons between Earth and Vulcan, but once we reached Vulcan, Starfleet decided we needed to go out further. Each stop, each end point, we'd get a new message to keep going.

"Morale was low and getting lower as the time went on. There was talk of mutiny… not against the Captain, but against Starfleet. Even Captain Aziz talked about it. You see, since Starfleet didn't have their own systems in place at the time, any transmission sent would be stored in the previous beacon and we wouldn't receive it until the next one was in place and activated. Every time, we thought this would be the last one then head back home, we got a message to a new location. 

"What made it worse was we also got messages from families, friends and loved ones that were a month or more old. There was one Ensign who found out her mother had passed away, the message was 2 months old. A Lieutenant saw a video from the hospital of his wife and newborn baby for the first time. By the time he got that video, the baby was 4 months. By the time I got the message from Trip breaking up with me… it had been 6 weeks. That mission destroyed us all."

"How long were you gone when Trip, Commander Tucker, sent you that message?"

Jon had to chuckle at Malcolm's correction. Here they were talking about something so personal, the staunch Brit still felt the need to keep up decorum. "About a year and a half. I begged and pleaded with him to be patient, but I guess his patience finally wore thin. By the time I got back to Earth, I knew it was over when I heard through the grapevine that Trip had recently started seeing someone. I confronted Trip about the rumors and he confirmed it was true. It was like a punch to the gut, but I wished them both well and asked if we could at least still be friends.

"A while later, he got transferred to Utopia Planitia on Mars. We stayed in touch, hung out together when he came back to San Francisco, sent ideas back and forth. Yeah, we remained friends, but once in a while that old wound tends to open up into an explosion, much like you witnessed, but this time… I guess… I didn't know until today that he had planned on asking me to marry him. I guess we both have held secrets about that time from each other."

"What secrets have you held, sir. If you don't mind my asking."

Jon shook his head. "My drinking and the problems it caused. Maybe I should let Trip in on that, but…" He trailed off.

Malcolm nodded an understanding. It was something that his Captain wasn't willing to share with him. "Yes, sir. I understand. Again, I'm very sorry for my comment and starting an argument between you guys."

Jon smiled as he clasped Malcolm on the shoulder. "It's ok. Like I said, this argument has been going on for a long time. If it wasn't your comment, it would have been something else to stir it up. Don't be hard on yourself, ok."

"Yes sir." Malcolm gave a small smile back.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

Jon gently woke Trip. "Hey sleepy head. Enjoy your nap?"

Trip nodded. "How long was I out?"

"Most of the ride. Let's get you off the shuttle so Phlox can take care of that cut."

Trip went to stand and instantly crumbled back down. Jon quickly grabbed him to keep him from missing the seat. After Trip sat back, Jon pulled at the bandages and saw that his knee was swollen. "I was afraid of this. You definitely did more damage than a cut."

He turned his head towards the open hatch. "Phlox, got a problem here. Trip's knee is swollen and he can't stand on it."

Phlox's voice came from outside the shuttle. "Don't try to move it. Give me a second."

A few seconds later, Phlox appeared inside the shuttle. "Captain, Mr Reed, each of you take a leg and we'll lift him out. I moved the medical chair closer to the door so we can get him in it right away."

Between the three of them, they had Trip out of the shuttle and on his way to sickbay.

After getting to sickbay, Jon gave Trip a small smile. "Phlox is going to take good care of you. I'll… um… I'll check in on you after a while."

"Ok, thanks Cap'n." Trip smiled, but it didn't quite reach his eyes. "Hey… um… "

Jon nodded. "Later, Trip. You just worry about getting better. I'll stop by to see you later."

Jon reached the bridge to get an update on what was happening. "What happened with the away team? I was told they ran into some weather. Any injuries?"

T'Pol stood, stepping away from the Captain's chair to allow Jon to sit. At the moment, he chose to stand. "No sir, but the wind conditions, coupled with the ice, dropping temperature and low visibility, Lieutenant Garcia felt it wasn't safe to remain. I agreed with her assessment and transported the team back to the ship before leaving orbit to meet you. How is the Commander?"

Jon shook his head. "Phlox is treating him now. He slipped over the edge of a cliff while collecting a sample and cut his knee. It's swollen pretty bad, but I think he'll be ok. I'll know more later after Phlox gets done with him. Are the other teams still back on Beta planet?"

"Yes, they are still there. I took the liberty to have Ensign Mayweather return to the planet."

Jon gave a lopsided grin. "You did? Without my orders? T'Pol, I'm shocked." He teased.

T'Pol's brow rose in what Jon knew was a cocky manner. "It was logical. 98.82% of the time, you don't leave an away team on a planet without some sort of means to leave if an emergency should arise. On the rare occasion that you have had to leave teams on a planet, it was because there wasn't any other option available, and you return as quickly as possible."

Jon nodded. "98 point…"

"98.82%. Sir." 

Jon chuckled. "Well… glad I'm so predictable. And I assume that you contacted Alpha planet to inform them that me and my team had to leave, and that we'll return tomorrow at the scheduled time?"

"Affirmative."

"Good. We brought back our samples if you want to get started on them, including the sample that Trip was collecting when he slipped. Oh, there's also a wiggly surprise for you as well."

T'Pol gave him a look. "An insect?"

"Slug… or something like that. Have fun." Jon smiled and gave her a jovial clasp on the shoulder as he moved to his chair to sit, which he second-guessed as he remembered the dirt covering his uniform.

He looked between Hoshi and Travis. "Uh… I guess I should get cleaned up. You two can hold down the fort until Malcolm gets here, right?"

They both nodded and smiled. "Yes sir/no problem." They responded together.

In his quarters, Jon opened a drawer and pulled out a small storage case that contained old color-coded data cards. He pulled out and looked at a red one for a moment before returning it to its slot and putting the case back in the drawer, then headed for the shower.

**_§§§_ **

Trip had been released to his quarters with a pair of crutches and ordered off duty until further notice.

Jon shook his head as he sat on the edge of Trip's bed while the man had been complaining about being taken off duty since the moment Jon walked in. "Can't you just talk to him? I mean, I can still run my department without crawling through tubes and climbing on the engine."

"Trip, we both know how you are. You're too hands on! The first time your baby hiccups, you're going to be on top of that core doing whatever it takes to settle her down. Kelby and Hess have everything under control, and if there is a question, you can give instruction… from your quarters. Phlox said off duty, and I'm going to go by his recommendation."

Trip sat down next to Jon. "This sucks."

Jon chuckled. "Yeah, you never did like sitting around. Look at the bright side, now you have time to start writing that technical manual you keep talking about."

Trip rolled his eyes. "Started writing it a couple years ago, but have to keep scrapping it everytime we run into a new situation and all the rules fly out the window."

"Yeah, well… we've pretty much been flying by the seat of our pants since we've been out here. I got a feeling it's not going to change anytime soon. So, what exactly did Phlox say anyway?"

Trip shrugged. "Said I got a tear to a tendon. The one that attaches my knee cap to my shinbone. He used some fancy medical terms, but I never was good at biology… that kind of biology anyway." He smirked.

Jon rolled his eyes. "The patellar tendon that attaches the patella to the tibia. Responsible for allowing the knee to bend forward as your leg and foot goes back in motion, such as walking or running. A damaged patellar tendon can also affect your gait and stability of your stance."

Trip looked at him with his mouth gaped open. "Do you have an encyclopedia in your head or something?"

Jon shrugged. "Baseball injury. Tore my tendon too. Had to have surgery and a few months of physical therapy."

"You never told me that."

Jon gave a nonchalant wave of his hand. "It was a long time before we met. Had the surgery and PT, haven't had any problems since, so not really a big deal. Is Phlox talking about surgery?"

Trip shook his head. "Not at this point. He said the tear is small, hoping it will heal on its own as long as I stay off it, but he did say I'd need therapy."

Jon gave him a look. Trip rolled his eyes. "Yeah, ok. I'll stay off it. Still sucks being off duty."

Jon chuckled as he patted at Trip's thigh. "You'll survive, I promise." He realized his reflexive action and quickly pulled his hand back.

The pair shifted uncomfortably before Jon spoke. "Trip, there's something-"

Trip cut him off. "Look, um, I'm kind of tired right now. Phlox gave me a hypo of antibiotics and I swear he slipped in a sedative. I'm… I'm not trying to avoid this, but can we do it later? I'm just too tired to argue right now."

Jon nodded as he stood. "I'm not looking for an argument, and I hope it doesn't come down to that, but there's a lot of air between us that needs to be cleared. You've had a rough day, I get it, we'll talk later. Do you need anything that I can help you with before I leave?"

Trip shook his head. "I don't think so, I'm just going to crash out."

"Sure Trip, if you need anything, just give me a holler. Good night.

Trip gave him a smile. "Night, Cap'n."


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

Trip woke in excruciating pain. He pulled the blanket back to see his knee had swollen even more, the swelling spreading above and below the area.

He reached up to tap at the comm. "Tucker to sickbay."

_ "Phlox here. What can I do for you, Commander?" _

"My knee… its swollen more and hurts…  _ a lot!" _

There was a slight pause.  _ "Hmm. Perhaps you rolled on it in your sleep. Just stay there and I'll come to take a look at it. Don't try to get up, stay off of it. I'll be there in a few minutes." _

Trip nodded to himself. "Ok doc, thanks for the house call. Tucker out."

It wasn't long before Trip's door slid open. Looking up, expecting to see the doctor, he was instead surprised to see the Captain. 

_ Of course Phlox called him. Wouldn't surprise me if Jon left orders to call him if something was wrong. _ Trip thought to himself as he noticed the bleary eyes, from sleeping, Trip assumed.

Jon stepped closer, seemingly a little off balance as he bumped into the small desk. He reached out a hand to catch himself as he spoke. "Phlox called me. What happened?"

"Don't know, he thinks I might have rolled on it in my sleep. He's on his way to check it. Are you alright?" Trip narrowed his eyes at Jon.

"Um, yeah. Still half asleep, that's all."

Trip glared at Jon a moment. "Bullshit. I can smell the whiskey on you. You're drunk."

Jon looked surprised. "So I had a drink before I went to bed. So what? Who the hell are you to tell me I can't have a drink when I feel like it? You're not my father! Fuck off!" His voice raised slightly.

Trip nodded. That was enough evidence for him. A little whiskey, a shot or two was fine, but too much of it always did put Jon in a fighting mood, and at the moment, he was definitely spoiling for one. Knee or no knee, Trip would happily take the brunt of Jon's mood, if that was what would be necessary to make Jon happy again. Besides, he was pretty sure he knew what had brought this mood on. "You're right, I'm not your daddy, but-"

Trip didn't get a chance to finish as his door once again slid open and Phlox stepped in with his jovial smile, oblivious to the fact that he ended an argument before it started. "Ok Commander, let's take a look at that knee of yours. Hmm."

Trip swung his leg off the bed so that Phlox could scan it, all the while keeping his hard glare on Jon.

"Hmm. This isn't right." Phlox scowled. "We're going to need to get you to sickbay. Captain, can you help me get him dressed, please?"

Jon pushed himself from the desk he was leaning against and grabbed Trip's uniform. "Um, yeah sure. What's wrong?" He asked as he started to get the jumpsuit onto Trip as Phlox held him up to keep the weight off his leg.

"There is an infection setting in, but I gave him antibiotics to prevent this. Perhaps this strand of bacteria is resistant, I'll have to try something else. Captain, didn't you say you applied antibiotic spray while on the shuttle?"

Jon nodded as they set Trip back down. "Yeah, twice in fact."

As Jon was bent over, zipping up the jumpsuit, Phlox slipped behind him and pushed a hypo into his neck.

Jon stood quickly, taking a wide swipe with his hand to swat Phlox away. Phlox anticipated that would happen and took a quick step back to avoid the strike.

Jon's eyes grew wide as he put his hand to the side of his neck.  _ "What the fuck!" _

"Trust me, Captain. It will help with the hangover in the morning." Phlox smiled.

Trip shook his head. "Careful doc, he's in a fighting mood. Jon, why don't you go back to your quarters and sleep it off. I'm sure Phlox can take it from here."

Jon's mouth dropped open. "Who the hell are you to tell me what to do?"

Phlox nodded. "I agree, Captain. The best thing for you right now is some sleep. I could have Mr Reed come and help you back to your quarters, if it's necessary."

Jon had been thrown out of enough bars in his youth to know a threat when he heard it, and right now he was definitely hearing one. "Fine! I'll go. Just trying to be here for you…  _ Commander. _ But if this is all the gratitude I'm going to get… hell with you. Hell with you both!"

After Jon stormed out, Phlox gave Trip a questioning look. Trip shrugged. "Whiskey." 

"Ah." Was all that Phlox could say as he handed the crutches to Trip.

**_§§§_ **

The following morning, after breakfast and briefings, Jon made his way to sickbay. Even though the hypo worked wonders to prevent a hangover, he still felt like crap for showing up at Trip's quarters in that condition. He felt even worse for speaking to the man the way he did, especially considering the fact that Trip was in pain and didn't deserve or need that kind of treatment. He owed Trip a huge apology.

He was in shock as he stepped through the doors. The first thing that got him was Trip's screams of pain. The next was seeing Phlox rushing from one cabinet to another before darting behind the curtain again.

Jon rushed to where he had seen Phlox disappear. "Oh my god, Trip! What's going on? What's happening?" He grabbed Trip's hand, squeezing tight.

"It hurts! Too much! Doc, kill me! Kill me now! Put me out of my misery!" Trip screamed as he writhed on the bed from the pain.

Jon grabbed at a cloth sitting on a tray next to Trip and began wiping the pouring sweat from his pale face. "Phlox? What… what's going on?" 

He looked down to see Trip still in his uniform, the leg of the pants cut away, as the exposed leg showed Jon that the swelling had gotten worse through the night… much worse.

"I don't know!" Phlox started, possibly the first time Jon heard true panic in the usually calm voice of the doctor. "I've given him every type of antibiotics I have, but the infection is spreading. I don't understand! I've done everything I could think of. There's only one option left."

Jon looked at Phlox, the fear in his eyes as Trip continued to moan and scream with pain. "What? What is it?"

Phlox looked back at Jon, despising what he was about to say. "Amputation."

Trip's eyes got wide.  _ "WHAT? NO! NO YOU CAN'T, I WON'T LET YOU!" _ He bellowed out as he tried to sit up.

Phlox grabbed Trip by the shoulders to hold him down. "Listen to me, Commander. I'm out of options, I don't know what else to do. None of the antibiotics are helping, in fact it seems to have made things worse. The infection is spreading, and at this rate, it will spread to your organs and you'll be dead before supper time."

Trip started clawing at Jon's arm in panic. "Jon no, don't let him do this! Don't let him cut my leg off! It's gonna get better, please! Don't let him do this, don't let me wake up with one leg! Please!"

Jon shook his head as he noticed from the corner of his eye Phlox moving away. "Trip, it's going to be alright. We'll take good care of you. We just want you to live, saving your life is more important right now."

Trip was still panicking, almost to the edge of hyperventilating. "No! No, don't let me wake up with one leg. If you take my leg, don't let me wake up!" He felt the familiar sting of the hypo to his neck. He quickly reached into his pocket as he continued to plead. "Don't let me wake up, please Jon, don't let him do this, don't let me wake up. I don't want to… to… wake… up… please… Jon." Trip's eyelids grew heavy and slid shut as the sedative pumped through his system.

Some time during all of the panicking and pleading, Jon felt a push to his ring finger. Now that Trip was asleep, he was acutely aware of a new sensation to that finger. He looked down to see the gold ring that Trip carried in his pocket, the ring that Trip threw at him during their argument in the shuttle, the ring that Jon momentarily wished he never knew about.

"How long will the operation take?" Jon asked in a raspy voice.

Phlox shook his head. "There won't be an operation. I'll keep him sedated until… until he's gone."

Jon spun around, shock etched deeply on his face. "What? What do you mean you're not going to operate? A second ago-"

Phlox cut him off. "Yes, I know what I said, but you heard the Commander. He's refused treatment. I can't go against his wishes."

"He was panicking! He didn't know what he was saying! I'm sure if he hadn't been blindsided with such an extreme decision, and had time to think about it, he would agree that having the operation is the best thing."

"I'm sure you're correct Captain, but we don't have time for him to come to that conclusion on his own. At the rate this infection is spreading, I'm out of time. This operation needs to happen in the next hour, or not at all, and I doubt he'll change his mind that quickly."

Jon's face darkened with anger. "Wake him. Give me a chance to talk to him, I'll get him to change his mind."

Phlox shook his head. "He'll only wake up to start panicking again. At this point, the only way is if there is a medical power of attorney to override his decision."

Jon nodded. "Contact his parents! I know they'd rather have their son lose a leg over his life."

Phlox nodded as he went to the computer to retrieve Trip's records to know which parent had the authority to make Trip's medical decisions. He gasped in shock when he found it. "Captain? He has  _ you _ listed as his power of attorney."

Jon's brows furrowed for a second before he remembered. When they were a couple, they had listed each other as POA. Even after they separated, Trip had told Jon that he wouldn't change it if they both got assigned to  _ Enterprise, _ in case something should happen and a split-second decision needed to be made. Trip didn't want Jon to have to hassle with trying to contact his parents when seconds counted, trusting Jon to make the right call.

Jon began to feel overwhelmed with this burden as he dug the heels of his hands to his eyes. What to do?

Phlox snapped Jon out of it. "Captain, if I'm going to do this, I need time to prepare the operating room. I need a decision now."

Jon took a deep breath in. "Do it. Save his life. He can cuss me out and kick my ass later, but at least he will be alive to do it."

Phlox nodded. "I'll call you when I'm finished, to make sure you're here when he wakes."

Jon nodded as he rubbed his thumb over the ring. "Can I have a second with him?"

"Of course."

Jon went behind the curtain and stood next to Trip's bed, looking down on the sleeping man. After a few seconds, he took Trip's hand into his own. "I hope I'm doing the right thing, I hope you'll understand, your life is more important, and I promise that I'll be there for you to help you with whatever you need. Even if that means giving up my commission, I'll be there for you." He gave Trip a kiss on the forehead before quickly leaving.

Jon barely made it to his quarters before crumbling into a sobbing mess.


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

Jon looked at the time, he had been having his meltdown for about 20 minutes now. Perhaps there was time to stop Phlox, tell him that he changed his mind. Did he tell Phlox to go through with the operation for a selfish reason? Because deep down, he still loved the man and wasn't ready to live a life without him in it in some sort of way?

No. No, going against Trip's wishes was the right call. Trip was in pain, panicked, scared, out of his mind, he really didn't know what he was saying and if he had time to think about it, he would agree that the operation was better than the alternative. That was the reason Trip trusted Jon to be his POA, because when it came down to it, he knew that Jon would set his personal feelings to the side and make the right call. This was,  _ had to be, _ the right call.

Jon stood, shaking at the thought that Trip would be going under the knife at any moment, and when he woke… 

He couldn't take the thoughts swimming in his head any longer. Jon reached for a glass, poured a healthy amount of bourbon, then quickly downed it to calm his nerves. He had a moment to think of a second drink, but decided that he should keep his mind off of what was happening to Trip in other ways.

As he walked onto the bridge, he was surprised to see Malcolm in the big chair rather than T'Pol. "Where's T'Pol?" He asked.

Malcolm stood. "She's in the lab going over the samples we brought back, sir."

Jon nodded as he looked to the image of the planet on the view screen. "Oh, ok. How's it going on Beta?"

Malcolm looked excited as he smiled. "Smashing sir. Lieutenant Chang's team discovered a primitive tribal-like colony. They're observing at a safe distance, making sure to stay out of sight, but they have sent back recordings of what appears to be some sort of ceremony, the dancing is so fascinating to watch. Personally speaking, it reminds me of the Polynesian dances that performers put on for the tourists in Hawaii, but Travis thinks it looks more like African dancing, and Hoshi says it looks like a Brazilian carnival dance. I've sent a copy to your computer if you'd like to watch it."

Jon had a flash of a memory. All the nights spent in Trip's arms, slowly dancing together, rather it was on the dance floor or in their apartment. Jon always did enjoy those moments, and he had often hoped that someday he'd feel those arms wrapped around him again as soft music put them into a rhythmic sway. Trip was a great dancer, but now… 

Jon sadly shook his head. "Maybe later. I'm going to head for the lab and talk to T'Pol, see what she knows about those samples. You have the bridge, Lieutenant."

A grim look flashed across Malcolm's face. "Sir, how is the Commander? We heard he was taken to sickbay."

Jon slowly shook his head without a word as he entered the lift. "Phlox is doing everything possible to treat him." He muttered before the doors slid shut.

As he entered the lab, he gave a quick glance at the various samples at the stations around the room. He noticed that T'Pol was currently studying the algae-like slime that was the catalyst for putting Trip in his current situation. "Find anything interesting, Commander?"

T'Pol looked up from her microscope. "The  _ slug _ you returned with is actually a larva. I put it in an incubation chamber to allow it to mature and discover what the end result of its metamorphosis will be."

Jon's brows shot up in surprise. "Oh. You mean like a butterfly or something?"

"Or something." T'Pol replied in a condescending tone.

Jon chuckled. "Well, let's hope it doesn't turn into something that tries to take over the ship."

"Considering its size, I would find that quite… surprising."

She gave Jon a look that he had seen several times before. Of course her superior sense of smell could detect it, no matter how much mouthwash he gargled with. At least she had the decency to not say anything about it, she never said anything about it. Only on the rare occasions that she thought his decision making might be impaired, she would quietly pull him to the side and "suggest" that he get some rest.

Jon cleared his throat. "And that? Find out anything about that?"

T'Pol shook her head. "I haven't had much time to study it, I've only had it under the microscope for 30 minutes when you came in. How is Commander Tucker? I understand his condition has gotten worse."

Jon nodded. If there was one person on the ship he could unload on, it was her. "It seems there was an infection. Phlox has thrown every antibiotic he has at it, but the infection is spreading. T'Pol… Trip is in surgery right now. Phlox is going to amputate."

T'Pol gasped, grabbing at the sample container before running through the door, with a confused Captain following.

**_§§§_ **

Phlox had made the delicate cuts where the leg and hip met. Through the skin, muscle, nerve and tendon layers, he now had the bones exposed.

He reached for the instrument that would cut through the bone and hesitated. He knew once he made this cut, there was no going back, the deed final. As a doctor, this was one of the many unpleasant things that was necessary, but still, to alter a person's life as drastically as this was always something to cause a pause.

He blew out a deep breath, mentally preparing himself for what was to come next. Just as he activated the cutter, making the mental line of where he would direct the cut, he heard the voice yelling from the treatment room.

_ "Doctor!" _

Phlox quickly set the instrument down, covering the exposed area with a sterile cloth, ready to halt his surgery for a moment to find out who needed his services now, and hoped whatever it was could wait. He had just turned to leave the surgical room when T'Pol and Jon burst in.

T'Pol's eyes went wide when she saw Trip on the table. "Doctor! You haven't done it yet have you?"

Phlox was visibly angered by this intrusion, not to mention the pair had just now contaminated a sterile environment. "You're not sterile! Both of you out now!" He bellowed as he pointed to the door.

T'Pol was uncharacteristically startled. "Doctor, have you done the amputation?"

"I was just about to, but now I will have to keep him under longer while I sterilize the room again. You have turned an already serious operation more dangerous than what it was!" Phlox yelled, his anger increasing.

T'Pol let out a sigh of relief. "Doctor, you must stop, you need to look at these samples." She spoke quickly before Phlox had a chance to interrupt her with another angry outburst as she held out the sample container. "The substance he slipped on, I believe it also went into the Commander's system when he cut himself. It's not a bacteria, it's a microscopic, single cell organism."

Phlox's eyes grew wide. "What! Are you sure? Yes, yes of course you're sure. I've been treating him for a bacterial infection, it seems that treatment was wrong!"

Phlox turned to his assistant. "Ms Cutler, keep Commander Tucker sedated and the incision sterile, I need to check this sample. It should only take a few minutes."

"Yes doctor." Liz Cutler responded.

Jon looked a little shaken. "You're just going to leave his leg cut open like that?"

Phlox scowled as he led them from the operating room. "Normally I wouldn't want to do something like that. In fact, normally I wouldn't leave a patient on the table, but this isn't a normal situation. If it turns out that I have to continue the amputation, it would be best to leave him as is. If I don't need to proceed, I can easily close the wound."

He quickly put the sample under the microscope. After a moment of study, he looked up. "How could I have missed this connection? I want to try something."

He reached into a cabinet and applied a couple drops of liquid to the sample then looked through the scope again. After a moment he looked up in shock. "T'Pol, take a look at this."

Jon was still confused at what was going on. "What was that? What did you put on the sample? What's happening?"

Phlox took a second to collect himself. "I applied an antibiotic to the sample. T'Pol, do you see what is happening?"

T'Pol nodded. "Yes doctor, the cells are dividing and multiplying at an astonishing rate."

"Yes, it seems the organism is feeding off of the antibiotic. Every dose that the Commander has been given has fed the organism even more, allowing it to spread."

Jon's mouth dropped. "Wait, are you saying this wasn't even an infection? That the antibiotics caused this?"

"It would appear so, Captain." Phlox said grimly.

"Ok. So what now?" Jon asked, still not fully understanding.

Phlox thought for a moment. "Well, at this time, I don't see the need to go through with the procedure. After I close the incisions, I'll start by flushing his system of the antibiotics, from there… I don't know. T'Pol, do you mind if I keep this sample to run some experiments?"

T'Pol tipped her head. "Of course, Doctor."

"I'll contact one of the teams on Alpha planet and have them collect some more to bring back when we pick them up later today, if that will help." Jon added.

Phlox nodded. "Yes Captain, that would be helpful. I may need more for experimentation."

"And Trip? How long will it take for you to finish? I want to make sure I'm here when he wakes up."

Phlox gave him a smile. "It shouldn't take too long. I expect he should start waking in a couple hours. It's very fortunate that the two of you stopped me when you did. Another minute or two… " 

**_§§§_ **

Trip was starting to become aware. Aware of a hand gently squeezing his and another hand running through his hair.

He gave a small smile, not sure if he was dreaming or if it was reality, or even sure of whose hands were on him. All he knew was that it felt nice, comforting. 

He slowly opened his eyes, his vision beginning to clear. Still in a daze, not sure where he was or what day it is, he smiled at his lover looking down at him. "Good morning, darlin'. Guess we got pretty smashed last night. Did you have to carry me to bed?"

Jon chuckled. "In a roundabout way, but not because we were trashed. Time to wake up now and start remembering."

Trip looked confused for a moment, then began looking around the room. Not his and Jon's bedroom, no those days were long in the past. Yes, they were on  _ Enterprise _ now, no longer a couple. Not his quarters, he was… yes, sickbay. Why?

The memory came to him like a flood and he screamed out as the panic returned. "Oh god! You let him! Oh god!"

Trip jerked his hand away from Jon, reaching down to where he knew he would find a missing leg, only to be surprised when he felt the familiar lump under the sheet. He couldn't feel his hand on the leg as he rubbed and squeezed at the lump.

"I-I can't feel anything. What is this? Dreaming? Imagining things?"

From his research table, Phlox had heard Trip wake and was coming through the curtain as Trip was trying to make sense of what was going on. "Your leg is still numb Commander, that's why you don't feel any sensation, but I can assure you that it's still there."

"There  _ and _ attached, right?" Trip glared at the doctor.

"Yes, still attached." Phlox responded as he pulled the sheet back to examine the leg. "Can you move your toes?"

Trip looked down at the bruised and discolored limb, noticing that it wasn't as swollen as before. He focused on his toes, concentrating hard to make them move. After a moment, a small twitch.

"That's… the best I can do, doc." Trip said slightly defeated and still somewhat confused.

Phlox smiled. "That's good enough for now, it will take time and a great deal of therapy to regain the full use of your leg again. I'm afraid you'll be off duty for several months and will have to depend on crutches for a while, but in time, you'll be up and walking on your own."

He turned to the Captain. "I have the orders for Mr Tucker to be transferred to Starfleet medical for his rehabilitation. All it needs is your approval."

Trip's eyes got wide. "What? Take me off the ship? Off duty is bad enough, but you're kicking me off the ship too?"

Jon shook his head. "I think that's a discussion we can have in a few days when you're more coherent. Don't you think, Doctor?"

Phlox scowled at himself. Of course this wasn't the time for a discussion like this, when Trip was still feeling the effects of the anesthesia and not able to fully comprehend the information being given to him. "Yes, of course Captain. Don't worry Commander, you'll spend the next several days here, in sickbay, and then we'll talk about the next steps."

In his fog, Trip felt satisfied with that. He wasn't really sure why, but there was a comfort to know that he wasn't being taken off of the ship, taken away from Jon. He nodded as his eyelids suddenly grew heavy and slowly closed before slipping back into a tranquil sleep.

Phlox led Jon away from the bed so that Trip could rest. "Captain, you do realize that Starfleet medical will be the best place for his rehabilitation, hmm?"

Jon thought for a moment. "Can't you do it here? We have the equipment in the exercise room."

"Yes, of course we have the equipment, but my concern is that if there is an emergency, I won't be able to give the Commander the full attention he needs. Besides, there will be a lot of things he won't be able to do for himself for a while, he will need a full time caregiver for a few weeks, a month perhaps, and that is something I simply cannot devote to without it interfering with my other duties."

"What kind of things?" 

"For starters, he will need assistance standing or sitting, getting dressed and bathing. He may need help with, uh, using the facilities."

Jon smirked. "I'm pretty sure he'll fight anyone who tries to help him use the toilet."

Phlox nodded an understanding. Knowing the Commander as long as he has, he knew that what Trip prized the most was his independence. "Maybe at first, but I'm sure it won't take too long for him to figure out that he's going to need help with even the smallest tasks until his leg heals."

"I can help him. Whatever he needs, I can be there for him." Jon offered.

"And what about your duty to your ship?" Phlox countered.

Jon had to take a moment for that. "I… I can take a leave of absence, put T'Pol in charge for a while. Besides, I'm sure I won't be the only one on this ship willing to help Trip in his recovery. Phlox, if I send Trip to Starfleet medical, I'll have no other choice but to appoint someone else as chief engineer. By the time he's done with his PT and ready to go back on duty, I don't think there'll be another starship in position for a chief engineer. Do you know what that will do to him emotionally? Trip's worked too hard to get where he's at, and I don't want to see his career sidelined because of some dumb accident. At least if he stays here, he'll still be the chief… just on extended leave."

Phlox looked thoughtful for a moment. "I will have to give some time to think about this  _ but, _ in the end, no matter the decision, I must do what is best for Mr Tucker."

Jon smiled. "I understand, just consider an alternative option, that's all I'm asking."


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

Jon had made several visits to Trip over the days in sickbay, but he wasn't too sure if Trip even knew that he had come to see him or even remembered any of their conversations. Phlox kept Trip medicated for pain, which made him pretty loopy when he wasn't sleeping. At one point, Trip kept insisting that a cat would visit him, lay on his chest for a while before leaving again. Phlox had told Jon that there was no cat coming to sickbay and that Trip was hallucinating.

When Jon contacted Mrs Tucker to give her an update to her son's condition, he joked about the "cat," only to discover that when Trip was a child, they had a cat that would sleep with him at night, and whenever Trip was sick, the cat would stay at his side until he was better. Jon had a fleeting thought of getting Trip a cat.

Jon was relieved when Phlox finally decided to allow Trip to stay on  _ Enterprise  _ for his rehabilitation, being swayed by the throngs of personnel that stepped up to volunteer to help Trip in every way they could. A schedule was made for everyone to take shifts in caring for Trip during his recovery, some even offering to help Phlox with the physical therapy so that the doctor would be available to give attention to the rest of the crew when needed. This in turn, also ensured that their Captain could be available to tend to his duties without having to take a leave of absence.

It was evening when Jon walked into his quarters. He pulled out the storage container of the old data cards and selected the red one. He put it into the card slot on his computer, sat down on the couch and pressed the play button, waiting for the message that he had watched thousands of times over the years.

A younger Trip's sullen face appeared on the screen.

_ Hey Jon. Got your last message. Not sure when you'll get this, but…  _ (There was a long pause.)  _ So, according to your message, you'll be out another 4 months? Dammit Jon, this 3 month mission has been over a year now, and now you say another 4 months? What will your next message say? Couple more weeks, another year? Who knows. Jon, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, but I can't do this anymore. I can't keep hoping that you'll be home soon only to hear through some recording that you won't be. _

(The tears showing in the younger Trip's eyes.)  _ I love you honey, I really do love you, but this is killing me. I've already packed my things and will be moving into my own apartment in a few days. Don't worry, I'll keep an eye on your apartment until you get back.  _ (Jon winced at the wording "your apartment." To this day it still hurt that Trip hadn't said "our apartment.")  _ Jon… what I'm saying… it's over. We're over. I'm sorry I had to do this in a recording, but I guess there really isn't any other way to do it, and if I wait until you come back to Earth, I'll only spend the next, however long, pining for you. I need to move on, get back to living again. _

_ Please don't respond to this, I don't think my heart can take it. Please, just go on with your life, find someone more patient and tolerant of you being away so long. I'm sorry that I can't be that person who will watch the days and stars go by waiting for you. I hope, at the very least, we will still be able to be friends. I'll always love you Jon, just remember that, but I need to move on. Take care of yourself. _

Jon sat a moment, feeling the hurt as fresh as the day when he watched this message for the first time, then hit the replay button.

He had been watching the video over and over when his chime rang. He hit the pause as he got up to answer the door.

He was surprised to see Trip standing with his crutches, and a young ensign next to him. "Trip? Phlox let you out of sickbay? He didn't call me to say that you were being released."

Trip gave a small smile. "I know. I told him not to call you, and Ensign Jenkins was stopping by to say hi at the time. She said that she could help me back to my quarters."

Jon gave a glance at the Ensign, who shrugged. "He insisted that he come see you first. Actually, he gave me an order to bring him here."

Jon chuckled. "Yeah, Trip has a way with getting what he wants… most of the time. Thank you for your help Ensign, I can take it from here."

She nodded. "Sir." She said before walking away.

Jon helped Trip into the room and onto the couch. "You need a pillow or something for your leg?"

Trip shook his head. "No. I'm fine, thanks."

"You sure? It's no bother really. I can pull the chair over so you can prop your leg up if you need to."

Trip again shook his head. "I'm fine, really. Just sit down and relax, will ya."

Before Jon had a chance to sit, Trip noticed what was on the computer screen across from the couch. The frozen face of his younger self perplexed him for a moment, then a lump came to his throat. "Jon? Is that… ?"

Jon turned and quickly pulled the data card from its slot. "I… uh… I was going through some old files and… well… I didn't know it was still in the files. I was about to delete it."

Trip gave Jon a long look. "You know you could never lie to me… especially to my face."

Jon nodded as he looked down at the card in his hands. "Ok. I know. Ok, I kept this and have watched it so many times over the years."

"Why?"

Jon slowly sat on the couch next to Trip. "To remember. To remember how much pain I caused to you. To remember what I once had. To remember what I screwed up."

Trip looked at him sadly. "You weren't entirely at fault. I was younger then, had dumb ideas that I, we both could have a career in Starfleet and still have a happily ever after. I'm older now, and understand that the words Starfleet and family don't go together."

Jon looked up in shock. "That's not true, Trip. Plenty of people in Starfleet have spouses and even children. I'm sure it's not easy, takes a lot of work, but it is possible."

Trip thought for a moment. "Yeah, I guess. Maybe if you're planet-side it could work, but not deep space like we are. How many divorces and break-ups have there been among this crew?"

"A few, but-"

"A few?" Trip challenged with a raised brow.

Jon blew out a breath. "Ok, more than a few, but Trip, we could have made it work. We're on the same ship, just like I intended for it to be. It could have worked for us. Maybe… still can."

Trip winced a little. "Jon, at the time there wasn't a guarantee that we'd end up on the same ship. Hell, there wasn't a guarantee that there was going to  _ be _ a ship. You going off on that mission was an eye-opener for me. It showed me that with Starfleet, nothing is guaranteed. Either one of us could be reassigned at any time and could spend years, maybe decades apart. That was never the type of relationship, or marriage that I envisioned for myself. Jon, I want a husband who will come home at night, spend time with me and be there to watch our children grow up, not just someone who drops by in-between missions."

"I know, that's not the kind of relationship I want either. Trip… why do you think I never got serious with anyone else after you? Because I know that I can't promise to be home every night for dinner. I can't promise that I'll be there to see my child take its first steps, or be there to comfort them when they have a nightmare, or see him or her walk across the stage for graduation. But most importantly, I haven't gotten serious with anyone because… I still love you.

"In the shuttle, you said I don't know what it's like to wait for someone to come home. You're wrong Trip, I do know what it's like, I live that everyday. Trip, I love you and I'm still hoping that you'll come home, come home to me. I'll never stop hoping for that. If I could go back and do things differently, I would have turned down that mission, even if it meant not receiving my Commander rank as quickly."

Trip shook his head. "We can't change the past, what's done is done and wallowing in self pity for the rest of our lives won't make things any better. I guess… we both need to figure out a way to put the 'what-ifs' behind us."

Jon looked back down at the card as he thought about what Trip had said. "You're right, and I guess I can start with this." With some effort and determination, he broke the card in half.

Trip nodded an approval, but he was still bothered by something. "Jon, in the shuttle, you mentioned crawling into a bottle. It felt like there was more to say, but you didn't. Talk to me?"

Jon was silent for a few moments and Trip could see the range of emotions crossing his face. Shaking, Jon looked up at Trip with shame and sorrow in his eyes. "When I got this message, I felt like my life, my entire universe had shattered. I'm not really sure how it happened, but I started drinking to numb myself of the heartache. As long as I had alcohol in my system, I couldn't feel or even think about the pain."

Jon swallowed at the lump in his throat a few times as Trip kept quiet, giving the man as much time as he needed. "It was my fault Trip. It was my fault that they died."

Trip was now completely confused. "What are you talking about? Who died? When?"

"On the  _ Yosemite. _ Trip, I stayed half drunk all the time… even on duty. I think Captain Aziz might have suspected, but he never said anything. Hell, I think there were times he might have been half drunk too. Like I said, morale was very low on that ship and we all did things just to try and get through another day, at some point, we all stopped caring about regulations and protocols. We were all just drifting from one day to the next waiting for it to end.

"We were in an area to set up the next becon. There was an asteroid belt nearby and Captain Aziz had me take the helm because our pilot wasn't as experienced with that situation as I was. I didn't know that Aziz was going to put me at the helm and I didn't bother to tell him that I had drank down half a bottle of scotch just before reporting that morning. I was drunk. Trip, I was so drunk I didn't see it and they died because I didn't react fast enough."

After a moment of silence, Trip took Jon's hand into his and gently coaxed. "Tell me Jon, tell me what happened."

Jon sat staring blankly as he recalled the events. "There was a proximity alert. I assumed that it was from the belt and steered the ship away. I was wrong. I steered the ship directly into an asteroid. Without haul plating, the asteroid hit the forward section, the systems started blowing, there was depressurization to the outer haul and 4 of the crew that were in that area at the time were killed. On the bridge, Aziz and 2 others were severely injured when the systems started to blow. Aziz died a few hours later from his injuries."

Jon sank his head into his hands and began sobbing. "I killed them. It was my fault. I killed them no more than if I had pulled the trigger on a phaser."

Trip shook his head. "Jon, I remember reading that report. It was a rogue asteroid, and there wasn't a proximity alert. You couldn't have known that rock was there until the last second, and by that time, it was too late to avoid the impact. In fact, if I recall the report correctly, the bridge crew all testified that you did everything possible to minimize the damage and there would have been more people killed, maybe the ship destroyed if you hadn't acted as fast as you did. You saved dozens."

Jon gulped. "That report was a lie. With Aziz dead, me being the first officer, that put me in command. The records were altered to delete the entry of the alert and the bridge crew concocted the story of my quick thinking. I didn't ask any of them to cover for me, they just did. We had all gotten very close to one another out there and we all covered for each other at one time or another. I just went along with the cover-up. Only thing to come out of it was a slap to the face that got me to come out of that bottle… mostly."

Trip looked down for a moment. "Oh shit. And you've never confessed, just kept this covered up all these years?"

Jon shook his head. "No. Before it was announced that I would be promoted to Captain and given command of  _ Enterprise, _ I confessed to Forrest privately. I told him everything that had happened and was prepared to stand trial, if that was what would happen. He spoke to some of the other Admirals and it was decided that since so many years had passed, they would let sleeping dogs lie as it were. Truthfully, it was a political move, I'm not too dumb to understand that. I know they had always planned to have an Archer in command of the first warp 5 ship, they wanted my father, but I guess I was just as good as a substitute. As long as there was an Archer name attached, that's all that mattered. They also wanted to keep this quiet from the Vulcans. If the Vulcans knew what had really happened out there, they would have used that as proof that humans aren't emotionally ready for deep space exploration."

Trip wiped a hand down his face. He looked around the room as the information slowly sank in when he spotted the half empty bottle of bourbon sitting on the desk. "Jon… have you been drinking today?"

Jon looked up as he followed Trip's gaze to the bottle. "No, not yet. I… I was thinking about it before you stopped by."

Trip gave a cold glare at Jon. "I'm going to ask you something, and I want the truth. While on  _ Enterprise, _ have you ever reported to duty while under the influence?"

Jon looked down shamefully. With a small voice he answered honestly. "Yes, I have. Like I said, I'm really good at hiding it, but yes, there have been times that I was buzzed, but never as bad as I was back on the  _ Yosemite." _

Trip's head rolled back as he looked up to the ceiling. "Oh dammit Jon! You really put me in a tough spot here, y'know."

Jon nodded. "I know. If you report me, I won't blame you, I won't be angry. Trip… I… I need… I need… help."

Trip looked at Jon for a moment, debating with himself if the statement was genuine, or just one of those things someone says when they think it might get them out of trouble. The pleading look in Jon's eyes was one of a lost and desperate man searching for someone to rescue him. 

Trip nodded. "I think you know what you need to do."

Jon blew out a shaky breath before standing. He walked over, grabbing the bottle. As he started to head towards the bathroom, he reached out and grabbed a second bottle, that Trip didn't see, from behind some books.

From the bathroom, Trip could hear the liquid being poured down the drain. When Jon came back out, he placed the now empty bottles in the trash recycling. "I guess they say, the first step is admitting you have a problem and need help."

Trip nodded. "Yep. Only 11 steps left now. Jon, you need more help than what I can give you. I'll be here to support you, keep you from falling again, but you need professional help."

Jon nodded an agreement. "I'll talk to Phlox first thing in the morning."

"Why not now? It's not his sleep cycle, so he's still awake. I'll go with you."

Jon shook his head. "I'd rather just stay here and talk with you some more… if I can."

Trip nodded. "Ok. We can talk more, you just say whatever you want to get things off your chest. I'm here for you. Uh… Jon? Do you have any more bottles stashed around here?"

Jon sighed and pointed towards a cabinet. He knew Trip would be shocked as he watched the young man open the door.

Trip's eyes grew wide with the collection of Earth libations; whiskey, scotch, tequila, bourbon and others. Then there was the alien alcohol; Andorian ale, Rigelain rye, Klingon bloodwine and an array of others that Jon picked up at various ports they had been to.

Trip sadly shook his head. "Oh Jon. Is it really this bad?"

Jon buried his face in his hands, ashamed of himself. "I'm sorry Trip, I'm so sorry. I really don't know how it got this far, this out of control."

Trip limped his way back to the couch, setting the crutches to the side and grabbing Jon into a strong embrace. "It's ok honey, we're going to get you the help you need now, we're going to work on this together. I'm here for you."

After a moment, Jon let out a small huff. "You know, with your leg and all… I'm the one that's supposed to be helping you. Guess I can't even do that right. I let you down again."

Trip cupped Jon's face. "No, you haven't let me down, I'm glad you told me all of this. It's long past due for all of these things to come out. Maybe if we had this talk years ago, it wouldn't have gotten to this point, but now it's out in the open and we can fix it. Ok?"

Jon nodded before standing with a determination.

After he and Trip dumped out all of the bottles, they settled back to the couch. Jon found comfort snuggled in Trip's arms, and a little surprised that Trip allowed it. "Trip… I still love you."

"I know honey, I still love you too, but right now… I don't think now is the best time to try and rekindle that old flame."

Jon thought about it for a moment. "Yeah, I guess you're right. Maybe… someday though."

Trip looked down at Jon's hand and chuckled. "You're still wearing the ring? I thought I dreamt of putting it on your finger."

Jon shook his head. "You were panicking. Somewhere in your rant about Phlox amputating your leg, you slipped it on there. Just kept it on my finger so it wouldn't get lost."

Trip gave him an amused look that said he wasn't buying it. Jon cracked a wide grin. "Ok… maybe I have been having a little fun watching the glances of the crew while they try to figure out when and who I secretly married."

Trip gave Jon a playful slap on the arm. "I'm pretty sure the day you get married, there won't be any secret to it and you'll make sure the entire world will know about it!"

Jon laughed. "I'm sure you're right. You've been carrying this in your pocket all these years?"

Trip nodded. "In one way, it keeps you close to my heart. In another way, it reminds me that as long as I wear this uniform, there's no room for someone else. I'm married to Starfleet."

Jon shook his head. "That's not true, Trip. Hopefully someday I can prove that to you, once we both get ourselves straightened up."

He pulled the ring off and held it out for Trip to take. "You can give this back to me one day, the way it was intended for me to have it."

Trip eyed it for a moment. "Did you read the inscription?"

Jon's brows crinkled. "Inscription? Truthfully, I haven't taken it off since you put it on me."

Jon held the ring out and tilted it towards the light, reading aloud the engraved words. "My best friend. My heart. My soul. My universe. From now until eternity."

Jon's eyes watered at the meaningful words. He gave Trip a gentle kiss on the lips. They sat with their eyes closed, foreheads pressed against one another as they each silently contemplated the past, present and possible future.

Trip quietly whispered. "You keep the ring. It was for you to have anyways."

Jon shook his head as he laid the ring in Trip's hand. "No, you hang on to it. Give it back to me when you're ready. When we're both ready."

**_§§§_ **

Jon helped Trip back to his quarters, then helped him out of his uniform. One thing Jon was correct about, Trip was pretty defiant about having someone help him to use the bathroom.

Jon stood outside the door, leaning against the wall waiting for the inevitable call for help. When it finally came, Jon chuckled softly. "Didn't you say you're a big boy and don't need anyone to help you potty?" He called through the closed door.

"Ok, ok. You proved your point. Just get your ass in here and help me off the toilet… will ya!"

Jon couldn't resist to continue the teasing. "I don't know. Did you number one or number two?"

"Does it matter!? You gonna leave me stuck here all night? Seriously!"

Jon laughed while opening the door. "Just wanted to know if I needed to hold my breath."

Trip rolled his eyes. "Haha. Some caregiver you are. Ow, ow! Easy." Trip hissed as Jon helped him to stand, a little too fast for Trip's liking.

"Stop being a baby or I won't tell you a bedtime story." Jon grumbled in a tease as he helped Trip with his crutches.

Trip shot him a look. "Yeah? I got a story for you. Once upon a time, a guy damn near got his leg cut off and it hurts like hell!"

Jon chuckled as he helped Trip to the bed. "When can you have your next dose of painkillers?"

"Phlox said at bedtime, so I guess now. He also said to change the bandages before bed too, just make sure not to put any antibiotic ointment on it. There should be a container in the kit he sent with me that has some kind of cream that's supposed to kill the organisms."

Jon looked through the kit bag of the supplies Phlox put together and found the bandages and cream. "I thought he flushed out the organisms while you were still in sickbay."

Trip nodded as he shifted to make room on the bed while Jon changed the bandages. "Yeah, he said it's a precaution just in case. He wants me to use the cream for another 2 weeks to make sure it's completely gone."

Jon carefully pulled the bottom leg of Trip's boxers up and gently removed the old bandage. It was the first time he had seen the wound and his face paled at the long cut from Trip's groin to the side of his hip. "Oh my god. I knew that me and T'Pol got to Phlox in the knick of time, but… "

Trip reached up and gave a squeeze to Jon's arm. "Hey. You made the right call. Now that I've had time to process everything, I would rather have lost my leg than my life. I was just freaked out at the time, but I'm glad that you were able to speak up for me, make a better decision than what I could have at that moment."

Jon gave him a smile as he finished changing the bandage and giving an injection of painkiller from the prefilled hypo. "You get comfortable, I'll just sit in the chair and read for a while. If you need anything, I'm right here, don't try to get up."

Trip looked up at Jon. "You don't have to sleep in the chair. I can make room in the bed for you."

Jon gave him a smirk. "Would you have made the same offer to Ensign Jenkins?"

Trip shrugged. "Sure, why not."

"Uh-huh. Sure you would have. You just close your eyes and get some sleep now. I'll be right here." Jon leaned down and gave Trip a kiss to his forehead.

As Jon sat in the chair reading, he heard the soft breaths from Trip that said he was in a blissful sleep. Jon let out a content sigh as he watched the young man breathing in and out. It would be a long road, but in the morning, the healing would continue… for both of them.

**_End._ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you made it this far, Thank You so much for reading. Your support & comments are appreciated.
> 
> I will be continuing this adventure in a Part 2, coming soon.
> 
> Until next time my friends, Peace & Love be with you all.


End file.
